THE BURIAL

The night before the burial, as I lay on the bed I was sleeping on for x days, I thought to myself, this will be the last night I’m going to “see” Chris.  No more “body” to look at, because I’d admit, being able to see him (albeit in a coffin) gives me the feeling of comfort—he is not (yet) completely gone.   So tomorrow will be bye bye time.  I WILL MISS HIM!

When I woke up I hoped it was all a bad dream.  But the moment I realized I wasn’t beside my husband, yes, it wasn’t a dream.  I didn’t want to stand up yet.  Today is the day.

I prayed, “Lord, this is it.  I offer you everything that will happen today.  My joys, sufferings, pains, and most of all, my husband.  Help me endure this day.  I need you most.”

I stood up and got ready.  There were a lot of people already outside.  They were wearing superhero shirts for Mateo 🙂 With my woke-up-like-this look, I said good morning to Chris’s body and I smiled at him.  I whispered, “I miss you!  Are you ready?”

I hurriedly took a bath and put on some makeup.  I went out to entertain visitors who seemed scared of me (haha).  Okay, scared isn’t the right term, say… they were uneasy and uncomfortable.  Maybe in their minds, “Will she lose it?”  But of course these were illusions in my head.  I wasn’t even sure if I’d lose it!

It was almost time so I wanted to spend my time beside my husband.  I rested my head on top of the glass and just let go of the tears… it was weird because people were watching me!  I’m really not used to the attention.  I don’t cry in public (I try) and I really don’t want them to feel sad!  But I thought, I will not waste this moment.  So I did.

I was crying because I will miss him, because my heart is broken, because I will never ever see him, touch him, feel him again, because our family is incomplete without him, because my son’s heart is shattered into pieces, because I cannot imagine life without him.  There are more reasons, but these don’t matter anymore… it is his time, his mission on earth is done!  I know God was crying with me… He’s on my side!  After what seemed a whole day of sobbing, I stopped.  I picked up my son and told him to say goodbye to his dad.

He’d tell me, “But mommy, he’s my angel!  I can talk to him anytime right?”  But of course, my love.  We all hope for the heart of a child.  His outlook was incredible!

Chris’s whole family gathered in front of the casket and said their last goodbyes.  Is this the end?  No more Chris.

My eyes were swollen I couldn’t control my tears from falling anymore.  We go down the hall to start walking towards his burial site.

As he was being carried inside the black funeral car, my heart was shouting inside, Noooooo! Not yet please…. My life, the one who holds my heart, taken away from me!  Now I was crying with a huhuhu and waaaaah sound.  My best friend, girl friends fanning me and walking with me side by side.  Is this for real??? I kept asking myself.

After like 15 mins of walking I was calm.  Ang layo naman.   While walking I was already thinking about our future.  What’s next for us?  How do we go about every day?  Just Mateo and I.

These are all fears.  But I have Jesus!  His promises keep me going…

SOURCE:  christianpf.com

But I was sooooo sad.  I was grieving, mourning, hurting.  Inside the tent Tito Rudy (Chris’s uncle who took care of him when he was still a little boy) said a few words to comfort all of us.

WARNING:  THERE WILL BE PHOTOS WITH CHRIS’S BODY SO IF YOU ARE IFFY, READ WITH CAUTION.

I requested to open his coffin so I can say byebye to him.  They opened it, he was covered with the white garment which his family requested we place on him (as part of the Mormon teachings).  Of course I will honor his family’s wish.

Tears falling I touch Chris’s cold and stiff body.  so not him…

I hugged him, leaned my face towards his and I said, “I love you!”  I touched his lips—I loved his lips, when I was pregnant with Mateo I’d always touch it and kiss it.  then I stroke every single part of his body.  I wanted to remember how it felt like holding him.  His hands, chest, legs, feet, shoulders, hair, face… because I won’t be seeing or touching it any more.  Can I stay until tomorrow just memorizing each part of his body?  NO, I had my chance.  And that was the end.

September 29, 2015, the last day I saw my husband.  As they closed the casket, I prayed, “Lord, He is yours!  Thank you for giving me the opportunity to be Chris’s wife, to be the mother of his son.  I don’t know what Your plans are for us, but I WILL OBEY.  My life is no longer mine but YOURS!”

As they wheeled Chris’s body down, I watched with Mateo.  My bubba didn’t cry.  He was confident that his dad was already in heaven, so happy biking and doing whatever he wanted.  He was at his happiest with Jesus!!!

I find comfort in knowing that Chris accepted Jesus as his Lord and Savior, yes he did and I saw it (during church service), I felt and experienced it (everyday).  God loves Chris so much, more than I do!  With His perfect, always and forever LOVE.

So many tears shed that day.  But God gives me… us HOPE!  One day, He will wipe away every tear from every eye.

On the day video of Chris’s Interment by Sophiaphotography.  WATCH HERE.